Not Knowing
As you may know, I am working on a full-length improvised vocal work. (It’s called Between and was/is inspired by my visit to the Canary Islands in 2010-11.)
Now, I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me that the creation process for an improvisational project would require so much flexibility.
…
Something about moving an idea out of my mind and into the world always takes more energy than I expect. Rehearsals and artists have shifted and the first clear firework of this idea has faded a bit. I guess it’s simply the tension between limitless possibilities and a single desired reality that can make my head start to hurt.
Oh, and that I don’t know what I’m doing. *smile*
…
I don’t mean that in a throw-up-my-hands, ditch-the-project “I have no idea what I’m doing!” kind of way.
I know what I’m attempting, I have a vision for which I’m striving, and I have faith that I can manifest it.
But I haven’t done this before so I am figuring out how to do it.
Now. With this project.
…
I find that as we get older we find ourselves in the position of not knowing less and less often. Sometimes this is a conscious choice, other times it just … happens. We learn our jobs, our partners, our friends. We know what’s expected of us and how to do it.
And, it’s comfortable to know. It feels good to be confident and sure.
But I’ve learned to appreciate not knowing.
(Most of the time,) I like figuring things out. I find it satisfying and rewarding.
As I say to my scat singing students, one of my favorite things about improvising is “solving the problem.” It satisfies the part of me that has a great love of order and appreciation of resolution.
I dig that each of us gets to decide what the problem is for ourselves and I love that the solutions are as infinite and varied as we are.
I am fascinated by the fact that in one moment there is no solution and in the next one can present itself from our intuition, experience and knowledge.
By spending time not knowing, we learn new things and invite unanticipated answers. We acquire varied skills, meet unforeseen collaborators and — at least in my case — create new music.
clip from 1st Between rehearsal (Bruce Henry and me)
